Flaw-ed

I go to your house and you occupied yourself with san guo, while I sit in a corner like dumb fuck = Respecting each other's space
You come over and I watch movie while you eat = I neglect you


We meet and you spend 46238465minutes talking on phone = Important stuff
We meet and I split attention to different people around us = I don't care about you


I love you and I love everything bout you, including your flaws = Roles of girlfriend
You love me and I need to change this, this and that = Roles of boyfriend




2months plus down the road, you ain't like this when I first knew you or when we are together. Is it because I dote on you that you feel you can dominate? You lovED every thing bout me and now its different? I let you speak up on everything, so everything that is not good enough has to go? Perhaps, we rushed into things and got confuse. Maybe, you're no different from them after all.

I gave in my all once again in exchange for a bucket of tear. People change eh? Fast.

Doltish

I thought it was easy to handle all the stuff, those back log from the 3 years. It ain't easy.

It ruined me, complete. My life, my reputation, my image and whatever merits I've accumulated to show my family had all gone down drain. It wasn't hard to decide on it, it was hard to execute it. I took 2years, countless effort, numerous support, thinning faith and my life.

It made me paranoid, i have trust issues with Clement and i constantly doubt my efforts to make my new life work. Well, people doubt my efforts. Even my own parents doubt me. And its all because of 1 silly decision during my juvenile years. Sad? Tell you what's more pathetic.

Clement treats me very well, like a gem. UNCONDITIONALLY.
I repaid him by thinking he might not deserve the things I've done for him.
That i should not love him as much as i do.
That i must not let myself take him that seriously.
That i could not give in to the relationship unconditionally.

I used to give everything trust.
I used to love wholeheartedly.
I used to make full effort.
I used to scrap doubt.
I used to be the best girlfriend you ever wanted.




Its unfair that, you have to wait for me to change. To change for the better, to change to be what i was like in the PAST. It doesn't do you justice, that you put in your all where i try to reserve what you deserve. That you are always patient and kind towards my flaws and failures in this relationship. The fact that you always stood by me, regardless of everything and anything, just because I'm your girl and you trust me.

I don't understand what have i done to deserve you? I love you, so much that i myself could not believe it. I know I'm holding back. And i do try to stop myself from being so negative. I swear I'll change but when i think back, ' How long will it take?'. You're a catalyst, can you speed up my recovery? So many doubts and nothing to back my decisiveness in going in this relationship. Yet I'm so sure that everything could work between. I believe you have that power to assure me every thing's okay. But when will i be the one to assure you?




I want to be the best for you, i MUST be the best for you. Though i see my past laughing sarcastically at my present. I really hope i can be compatible for you.

Dont act as if you're going to cry.

Fuck, i don't fucking understand why do i have to be grouped with her like twice a week? And i only have 4 classes per week. I'm grouped with that BUMMER 1/2 the time. Cry for me please.

Today, she got onto my nerves AGAIN! How could she do that, I've never met anyone that could step on my nerves EVERY TIME i see their face. She's a pro, fucking pro I'll say. She's a bummer however, she possess the SUPERIOR talent of looking like a frail chick every time we 'outcast' her. Well, we don't outcast you! We were too busy doing YOUR slides to entertain your whimpering cries. You have the cheek to tell me you decided to go partial after laoniang talked to you nicely about splitting the workload. You still dared to show off your CHUI hokkien when you wanted to bring that irresponsible statement? Fuck you. WTF is I zao ( I find )? GO learn your hokkien before you guai lan with me with your ka na sai dialect kay.

Yah, you know how to make yourself look like a weak powerless bitch. I know i look like a bully in the eyes of facis. But fuck, the whole class knows what a useless, credit grabbing wuss you are. So, I'm gonna grade you down to a grade you've never got before.

Now, EAT YOUR HEART OUT BITCH!

Cut me up

I'm not a person that tells the whole world how i feel daily. I like keeping things to myself cuz i don't want to trouble others. Call me obdurate, I don't care. Advises to open up my heart just isn't my thing. Okay?

Today, its the 16. My baby girl is having her op on the 19 and I'll be sending her in on the 18. Poor girl, sh has suffered so much i think since she was born. Hope she's alright and i definitely hope her irresponisble dad would come pay the medical bills. Its so sick that after we broke up he would always use both Vovo and Giant as excuses to come up to see me. It seems like we'll always share a relationship that can never be cut off.

I'm so worried for Vovo girl, I'm afraid her body might reject the general anesthesia and bad things might happen.... And she's sleeping in front of me now, I knew she will hate e when i bring her to the vet that day. She hates going to the vet but i have no choice, hope she understands.

I'm a person that treat my pets as my own children not like WeiLong, the moment they enter my heart they will always be my children. Not dogs. I even hope that, if one day they were to leave me, i hope they would both be reincarnated to be my children. Vovo would be such a sweet girl and Giant would be my active little boy. I dare hope for it to come true but at least, let hem be humans soon? They've suffered quite a lot i believe.

Anyone that is reading this, help me pray for my girl. I really hope she could be alright....

Reality sucks pretty much

I know i have a couple of stuffs that are pretty expensive, I know i spend shit loads of moolah on my cosmetics, I know I eat expensive food. But I'm certainly not rich like what you people think. In fact i come from an okay doing family and i have stopped taking money from parents for personal stuff since i was 12. I grew up earning and spending my own hard earned money. And if you think I'm a spoilt brat, you're so damn wrong.

I just lost my job, got out of a bad relationship and have got into a new one soon after. Dramatic? Maybe, well I'm quite numb towards unfortunate events in my life. My family would really, really just leave me out there to die of perhaps hunger or poverty. I do have a boyfriend, but shandy is a man deep down and do not actually enjoy greatly upon the idea of spending someone Else's money. I'm stupid, I'm dumb. Whatever, just hope a miracle would cross my path and end all my sufferings. If fate has time, do get rid of unnecessary people in my life too. They suck and they could suck fucking gay balls if they continue ruining my life.

I hate my life, i hate my family. I want out so much but there's so much responsibilities to handle in this house. Hate it. Fuck it, fuck my damned cursed life. =(

I love him, I do

I said I was single, not anymore.
I thought I would enjoy courtship from different guys while i was single. But no, it was irritating and it got on to my nerves. And i realise, being flirtatious with guys is just an escape from the past tiring relationship.

I love my new boy. You may think it was too fast, or that i was cheap, cruel. Whatever, it was the first time experiencing so much respect and love for one. He never wanted me to change, for he love me like that. He never wanted me to stop doing certain things, for he wants me to be happy. We have so much in common, we are so similar in so many ways. And now, i can truly tell the the world, I've found my other half. I may not have swore to god that i would marry and must marry him, not now perhaps. But i definitely see him walking with me in the future.

I know i said i wanted to marry WeiLong, it was true. There were moments where i wanted to, but every time he hurt me verbally, i would be so lost, I'll ask myself, ' Do i really want to marry this man?' Violence cant solve problems, i know it cant. I was brought up that way and it didn't do me any good. I know you mean it when you say you're truly sorry, but when you said you'll change for me. It never happened.

I need someone for me to fall back on when I'm down and hurt. Not scold 'Kanina, pua chee bye' and go beat up that person who pulled me down. You cant give me what i want, what you gave hurts and fears me.

When i cry, what i want is simple. A shoulder to cry on, perhaps a kiss on the the forehead and tell me everything is okay. Have you, EVER did that? Well it doesn't matter, cuz Clement can do it and now, you're not in the picture anymore. At least not mine.

See? No see?

Shandy is happy? Can you believe it? And its not because of money, not because of my ex, not because i broke my Bejewelled high score and its not because Shandy's family is sweet and warm.


Shandy is for once, well taken care of, listened to, cared of and made happy.

How can someone be so much like me? Understands me so much? Or even appreciates me more then family. I like this feeling. Hmmm, the feeling of being important in someone's life is fantastic, i feel empowered (woo~ SUPER) I feel ecstatic, elated, in simple words enjoying pure bliss.
Seems like I'm not so suay~ ma, wo you ren teng. I know i will be in good hands. I know i will be happy. I know I'm not in fear anymore. I know i wont need to change.



See, siudai, see, me, see!

I'm blabbering nonsense, that's how happy people talk. So SHUT UP. HAHAHA.

Meeting tomorrow!