I thought it was easy to handle all the stuff, those back log from the 3 years. It ain't easy.
It ruined me, complete. My life, my reputation, my image and whatever merits I've accumulated to show my family had all gone down drain. It wasn't hard to decide on it, it was hard to execute it. I took 2years, countless effort, numerous support, thinning faith and my life.
It made me paranoid, i have trust issues with Clement and i constantly doubt my efforts to make my new life work. Well, people doubt my efforts. Even my own parents doubt me. And its all because of 1 silly decision during my juvenile years. Sad? Tell you what's more pathetic.
Clement treats me very well, like a gem. UNCONDITIONALLY.
I repaid him by thinking he might not deserve the things I've done for him.
That i should not love him as much as i do.
That i must not let myself take him that seriously.
That i could not give in to the relationship unconditionally.
I used to give everything trust.
I used to love wholeheartedly.
I used to make full effort.
I used to scrap doubt.
I used to be the best girlfriend you ever wanted.
Its unfair that, you have to wait for me to change. To change for the better, to change to be what i was like in the PAST. It doesn't do you justice, that you put in your all where i try to reserve what you deserve. That you are always patient and kind towards my flaws and failures in this relationship. The fact that you always stood by me, regardless of everything and anything, just because I'm your girl and you trust me.
I don't understand what have i done to deserve you? I love you, so much that i myself could not believe it. I know I'm holding back. And i do try to stop myself from being so negative. I swear I'll change but when i think back, ' How long will it take?'. You're a catalyst, can you speed up my recovery? So many doubts and nothing to back my decisiveness in going in this relationship. Yet I'm so sure that everything could work between. I believe you have that power to assure me every thing's okay. But when will i be the one to assure you?
I want to be the best for you, i MUST be the best for you. Though i see my past laughing sarcastically at my present. I really hope i can be compatible for you.
